That Bastard Chavez!

Freaking communist asshole, subverting capitalism by making socialism tasty!

From Wikileaks, confidential cable 10CARACAS43, from the embassy in Caracas to the office of the Hillary ("Big Balls") Clinton, cc the consuls in Dusseldorf, Leipzig, Thessaloniki, Quebec, Recife

1. (C) Summary: President Chavez made socialism taste better with

the December 22 opening of a "socialist arepera" serving

Venezuelan-style tortillas at a fraction of their usual price.

The "Arepera Socialista" is planned to be the first of a chain of

Venezuelan government (GBRV) restaurants run by the Ministry of

Commerce. This restaurant is the GBRV's latest effort at setting

up alternatives to the private market, branding national symbols,

like the "arepa," as part of the Bolivarian Revolution, and

providing tangible benefits to its electoral base before the

September legislative elections. End Summary.

Socialism's Tangible - and Tasty -- Benefits

2. (U) President Chavez opened the "Arepera Socialista" with much

fanfare on December 22, advertising its low price and high quality

as symbolic of the benefits of his socialist revolution. (Note:

"Arepas" are a Venezualan-style thick cornmeal tortilla usually

used for a type of sandwich. End Note.) The restaurant, located

in a lower middle class neighborhood of Caracas, serves "arepas"

for about a fourth of their regular price. It is currently only

open during weekday mornings, although there are plans to extend

its hours, add coffee and fresh juice to its menu, and open two new

locations in working class neighborhoods.

3. (SBU) On a January 8 visit, EmbOffs witnessed a long line of

people waiting to get into the restaurant but surprisingly rapid

service. Inside, one wall was dominated by a quote in large red

lettering from Simon Bolivar: "The best system of government is

that which produces the greatest happiness." An employee managing

the line said the restaurant served 1,200 customers per day. One

man in line said he worked in the neighborhood and came every day

since the food was excellent and cheap.

Money is Secondary in Socialist Restaurants

4. (U) According to Minister of Commerce Eduardo Saman, people

can count on low prices at the "arepera socialista" because the

ingredients come from government-owned companies and other

products, such as boxed juices, come from government-owned

companies. Saman claimed the prices were sufficient to cover the

store's operating costs. He also announced on December 23 that a

chain of "Arepera Socialista" restaurants would be opened

throughout Venezuela as part of the Socialist Market Cooperatives

run by the Ministry of Commerce. Saman himself worked at the

restaurant on December 24; other Ministry of Commerce employees

were "volunteering" at the restaurant on the day of the Emboffs'

visit. About 30 people work at the restaurant.

4. (U) Besides the price, Saman highlighted another key difference

between socialist and capitalist "arepera": customers pay only

after eating, while "in fast food chains . . . they only think

about money." In the "Arepera Socialista," the cash register is in

a corner of the room and customers pay only after eating,

self-reporting how many of the "arepas" they ate.

5. (C) Facing high inflation, electricity and water rationing,

and failing public services, Chavez may see the "arepera

socialista" as a relatively quick and easy way to promote the

benefits of "socialism" to his electoral base before the September

legislative elections. The challenge will be meeting demand

without raising the subsidized price or cutting quality.

THIS IS SERIOUS!  "Tasty" products of a socialist state, undercutting the rightful, god-given flavor of capitalism, and flouting "low price and high quality" as benefits of the "socialist revolution"?  BASTARDS!  How dare they strive for quality AND low price!  And, on top of that, the "long lines" of customers are subjected to "SURPRISINGLY RAPID SERVICE"?

I must pause.

Will these godless Marxists stop at nothing to bring down our way of life?

You see, this is exactly the false utopia* that Marxism poisons us with: you don't get food that is good, cheap, and fast.  It doesn't happen.  It's a pipe dream.

But wait, there's more:

"The customers pay only after they eat" . . . ???!!!?  WTF?!  This isn't Ruth's Chris Steakhouse, this is freaking Trotsky's South American Bread Thing!  If you want to eat at a place what takes your money AFTER you eat, you need to sweat and save!  You need to climb the ladder of capital!  You don't just get this shit given to you!  Communist!!

And, on top of that, you have the leering Simon Bolivar: "The best system of government is that which produces the greatest happiness".  Is it?  Is it really?  "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" . . . yeah, that's right, that's another communist by the name of John F. Kennedy.  Except JFK, being a rich white boy, was a communist who ultimately knew the value of a buck, so he knew: capital doesn't serve you, you serve capital.  And, if you want that fuckin' biscuit, you're going to fuckin' pay for it first.

This subversion of the American way of life will not be tolerated.  This tasty threat will not stand.

Soon, the CIA will hook up Bobby Flay, and then there'll be REAL "Throwdown".  He'll get down into the streets of Caracas, and he'll whip up some of that sweet chili sauce, work up a base with cumin and parsley, maybe milk some cilantro, and he'll have some FUCKING BACON (the REAL secret weapon of Capital), and the working class will be eating out of his hand . . . the dictatorship of the proletariat will be overthrown by PORK . . . 

 . . . and, at the moment of triumph, the grinning effigy of Flay will intone "if you want that biscuit, you're going to have to FUCKING PAY for that biscuit" . . . 

 . . . and order will be restored to the universe, and the 23rd Carrier Group can just wander off toward Puerto Rico, "nothing to see here . . . "

The price of security is vigilance.  Or something like that.

__________

*  "Utopia", from the Greek ou (not) + topos (place) . . . utopia is "no place" . . . just in case you forgot.